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     It was late Christmas Eve and I was the only one up. I stayed up to wrap one last gift for my wife, Jane. The two older kids were home from college and we had already exchanged one gift earlier in the night. It was now close to midnight and I sat in front of the fireplace looking through the rolls of wrapping paper for this one last gift.

     Jane had bought one of those long tubs from the dollar store last year to keep all the old wrapping paper. Each roll I brought out sent a flood of memories from the previous Christmas. Then I pulled out a bright red roll with small snowmen on it. It was the paper we used to wrap Casey’s gift last year. Before I realized it the tears were on my cheeks.

Casey was three, our youngest, and drowned in August. We were at the lake and she was playing with a group of kids. We were on the beach cooking when, before we realized it, she was under the water. The paramedics said it was just an accident. We blamed ourselves.

     Jane and I had three kids literally back to back right after we married: Sam, Sharon, and Josh. Sam and Sharon are the ones in college. Josh is a senior in high school. I told Jane after Josh was born, that’s it. I had a vasectomy and we thought we were through. The kids grew up and when Sam started college Jane and I began to think of retiring and visiting exotic countries. Then Casey came along.

     I was stunned when Jane told me she was pregnant. I was 40 at the time and was pretty certain something was amiss. I even made a stupid accusation to Jane about how she got pregnant. When the doctor told me that sometimes a vasectomy can grow back together I was not happy. The thought of changing diapers and making a nursery just didn’t sit well with me. Then Casey was born.

     She was beautiful. She had this wonderful smile and curly hair. I’d spend hours reading to her when she was little. Jane and I would take her to the park. We’d push her stroller along the sidewalk and watch her giggle on the swings. I lost that extra twenty pounds I had been carrying around for the past five years.  When she turned three I realized that God had blessed, until the accident.

    I couldn’t believe she was gone. It was the hardest thing.

    I pulled the wrapping paper from the tub and cut a small piece for the gift. I had bought Jane a necklace with a pendant. It was a heart with a small diamond in the middle. I wanted her to know how much I loved her. I wrapped the gift with the paper and tears.

     It was after midnight and I stared out the window watching the snow fall in the darkness. I thought about our three great kids and glanced at the photos of them hung above the mantel. We had three beautiful years with Casey. Her memory will always be inside me.

I held Jane’s small gift in my hand as I went upstairs to bed. I decided to put it on her nightstand so that it would be the first gift she saw on Christmas morning. I eased our door open and snuggled next to her in bed. She was awake and rolled over.

     I reached over and handed her the small box and said, “Merry Christmas.”

     She smiled and gave me a light kiss and looked into my eyes and replied, “Merry Christmas, I’m pregnant.”

Marry Christmas - RK